


run ragged

by allmywill



Category: Duran Duran, Seven and the Ragged Tiger - Duran Duran (Album)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst and Porn, Arguing, Attraction, Blow Jobs, Denial of Feelings, Drama, Dreams and Nightmares, Drug Use, Friends With Benefits, Guilt, Jealousy, Kissing in the Rain, M/M, Masturbation, POV First Person, Rough Body Play, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sexuality Crisis, Shower Sex, Smoking, Swimming Pools, Symbolism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:00:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28618437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmywill/pseuds/allmywill
Summary: Five detrimental weeks in Montserrat recordingSeven and the Ragged Tiger, 1983.
Relationships: Andy Taylor (Duran Duran)/Tracey Taylor, Julie Anne Friedman/Nick Rhodes, Nick Rhodes/Andy Taylor (Duran Duran)
Comments: 33
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> here it is, finally! get ready for a long, bumpy ride with these two. it’ll be lots of fun though, i promise!
> 
> i never write in first person like this, but i felt it worked well with this kind of fic. getting inside Andy’s head has been interesting to say the least. he is under appreciated and misunderstood and i just want to say that i love him a lot, fic Andy and real Andy alike 🧡

_Montserrat, 1983_

It started in the studio. At that point in time, it felt like everything did.

It was only our third day on the island. We were going on hour eight, holed away for much of the day trying to get something accomplished with the album. It felt as if time crawled and ached, though nothing was becoming of it. I gripped the neck of my guitar with an unsteady hand and thought about leaving the room for a much needed smoke.

John had been moody all day, grumbling about anything and everything under the sun. He left us a couple hours prior, probably going to some party where the birds would hang on him and he could get high without me. I pretended not to care when he tossed his bass down and walked out the door without another word.

Simon and Roger stayed a bit longer, though they too eventually dropped out for a break, leaving me and Nick alone. Frustration brewed within me. _Nothing_ was getting done. Hours of time was wasted, and what for? In my mind, I kept imagining the release date of the album getting pushed further and further away, and with each delay, I found myself getting more antsy.

I needed a smoke, a drink, a decent meal, a shower, and some restful sleep. I decided against all of those things, burying myself in my work instead. The guitar wailed in my hands, distorted noises leaking out of the amp. I knew it would drive Nick insane. He always told me off when I was too loud.

If I had to suffer his seemingly endless synthesizer loops, than he could suffer my angry guitar riffs. It was only fair.

Across the room, he got louder. He must have turned his volume up, because soon enough, he was playing something blaring. Like a train whistle in the night, it disrupted my thoughts. My frustration only grew; it became a shaking in my hands that I couldn’t quell. I was so pissed at him that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I felt my face burning with anger. White hot anger. I wanted to smash my guitar straight into his keyboards so he could no longer play them. I suppose what I did next was tame compared to the thoughts inside my head.

“ _Fucking stop_ , Nick! That’s absolute utter _shit_.”

My voice stunned him into silence. I watched him stand there, frozen behind his keyboards. Everything had gone quiet between us, eerily quiet. The tension between him and I throbbed like a heartbeat. Perhaps that was just my own, thumping against my rib cage. I never did scream or yell often. Not like that.

The two of us hadn’t always agreed on everything. We were never capable of an easygoing friendship like John and Roger had. We were chaotic, two opposites fighting for control. What he liked, I despised. What I liked, he resented.

I said nothing for what felt like a long while, just stared at the floor and wondered what the hell I was doing. It wasn’t entirely Nick’s fault I was frustrated, but I wanted to blame it all on him. It would be easier that way.

When I finally looked at him, he was glaring at me as if he wished his gaze alone could burn a hole through me.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Nick yelled, accusatory. Bitterness was nestled in that accent. I pissed him off, and good.

“ _You_ ,” I replied, louder, throwing my guitar aside. My hands burned. “That’s my fucking problem.”

He did something I didn’t expect for him to do then. He came closer to me, probably his attempt at trying to intimidate me. It wasn’t going to work. I watched those green eyes, how tired they looked. His eyeliner was smudged unevenly underneath one of his eyes.

It was then I realized just how close he had become.

“Be more specific and tell me what the fucking issue is then, Andy. We can’t keep wasting time. We have work to do.”

“ _Work?_ We’re not even getting anything done. You haven’t spoken a goddamn word to me in well over an hour and somehow you’re still infuriating me,” I huffed, getting in his face. “With your fucking shitty sequences, we won’t sell one damn album. You’ve sounded like shit all day. Simon and Roger are too nice to tell you, and John’s more worried about getting plastered and burying his cock in some girl he won’t remember the name of come morning.”

Nick narrowed his eyes, poking my chest with his finger. “Why didn’t you go with him? Seems he could’ve used the supervision, and you could’ve used the drink and the coke since you’re being such a bloody prick to me. There. Everybody’s happy.”

“I’m not John. I don’t need drugs, or women, to be happy.”

I watched something change in his face, his anger perhaps fading. I knew he hated to fight, but I couldn’t help it. I was so utterly miserable.

“Alright. What do you need then?”

“Why is it any of your business?” I scoffed, still feeling all too warm. I blamed the tropical climate, the stuffiness of the studio. “Maybe we could get more done if you mind your own. Ever think of that?”

He was still close, enough that I caught myself stealing glances at his lips. They looked so much like an attractive woman’s lips. I had always thought that about them. My thoughts were starting to confuse me, and that was only the beginning.

Nick sighed. I felt his breath fan my cheek, while my own got caught in my lungs. “Excuse me for giving a fuck about you, then. Thought maybe I could help. Whatever, Andy.”

Before he had the chance to back away from me, I reached out and grabbed his shoulder. “Tell me what you mean.”

“How long has it been since you got any?”

I was floored. I didn’t expect him to be so forward and my mind was swirling with anticipation. What could possibly become of this? What was he trying to say?

“I don’t know...” I trailed off, trying to think. “A couple days before we got here? We’re on a fucking island and my wife isn’t here, Nick. _Jesus Christ._ ”

He smirked at me. I had never been more confused in my life. Hadn’t he just been angry with me a minute ago? And hadn’t I been with him? I kept wondering why I felt so drawn to those lips. I never allowed myself the opportunity to think of him that way. He was always somebody I detested in that fashion.

I detested him because he confused me; I liked women, not men.

I realized then that my anger was all gone. Arousal had replaced annoyance. Nick was right there and I knew very well what he was saying. “What are you gettin’ at, Nick?” I asked again anyway.

A million more questions surfaced in my mind as he stared at me.

“I could help you out with that, that’s all,” he said in a low voice, like he was afraid of what I’d say in reply. “Since there’s definitely _something_ you need out of your system.”

“You’re not wrong.” My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was considering it. Nick was seducing me and I was letting him. What had gotten into me?

He put his hand back on my chest, the touch having a different meaning this time. I forgot all about the fact that Simon and Roger could come back in any moment, getting an eyeful of their band mates doing something they really should not be doing together. _Fuck it,_ I thought to myself, _we have nothing to lose._

I grabbed him by his shirt collar and crushed my lips against his. He gasped softly before starting to kiss me back, with such a wild hunger I never expected from him. He may have been the most feminine one out of us, though he certainly wasn’t gentle.

When he started to lick into my mouth, I let my hands drop lower and I pulled him closer. He clutched onto me tighter, for sure wrinkling my shirt. At the time, I didn’t care about anything else. Just him.

I never did anything with a guy until that day. Something told me it wasn’t a first for Nick. We parted to catch our breaths, then I was the one to dive back in for more. With my hands on his lower back, kissing him so roughly, I felt dangerous. Just as dangerous as I felt when I did a line of coke.

It seemed he wanted me to take control, though I didn’t know what I was doing. I backed him against the nearest wall, still attached at the lips. He pulled away and tilted his head back; his kiss-swollen mouth on show for me. I felt my trousers tighten just thinking of all the things I wanted to do to him, and all the things I wanted him to do to me.

And to think minutes prior we were screaming and cursing at each other.

Truly something.

He started to kiss along my neck, those plump lips hot against my equally warm skin. I curled into him and moaned lowly. I needed this more than I thought I did. I needed that mouth on me, burning kisses to distract from the displeasure I felt with the little progress we were making on the album.

I felt his hands on my belt buckle. My arousal only increased when he undid it with one hand, breathing hard against my neck as he did so.

“Want me to suck you off?” he asked. To me, the answer was obvious.

“Please do.”

He didn’t hesitate. I watched him get down on his knees and it took my breath away. His eyes were dilated and his lips were shiny in the glow of the studio. I thought I was going to come right then and there.

He made quick work of getting to me, my cock freed in no time. He looked up at me, lashes long. Pretty, feminine. _Nick._ I had to remind myself that this was Nick and not my wife. That was never something I thought I would have to do in my lifetime.

“You don’t have to go easy on me, you know. I have a bit of experience.”

I laughed and braced a hand against the wall behind him. “Of course you do, you fairy.”

“Shut up and enjoy, you bastard.”

Nick took my cock into his mouth and right then I knew I would enjoy it. A lot. He looked up at me as he did it, teasing with darkened green eyes. There was always something about those eyes. They enticed me before I even knew it.

The warm, wet heat of his mouth sent me reeling. He wasn’t lying. He was no beginner, with the way he took me deeper and deeper until there was nothing left for him to take. I closed my eyes and tried to even out my breaths; I wanted it to last as long as possible.

He would draw back and swallow me again, lips around me just right. The hand I wasn’t using to lean on the wall found its way to his hair, the dyed locks threaded between my fingers.

I moan slipped past my lips and I tugged on his hair by accident. He drew back again, completely so he could speak.

“I like my hair pulled,” Nick told me breathlessly. “Do it again, _please._ ”

“Kinky Nick,” I commented, too turned on to form a full sentence.

When his lips surrounded me again, I pulled on his hair like he asked. I felt as though I had him wrapped around my finger. I wanted to please him, yet at the same time, I wanted to tease him. I wanted him to beg me.

I thrusted experimentally, testing the waters. He reached out and grabbed my thighs. I felt myself getting close. Watching Nick certainly helped me along, his face blissed out.

Again, I pulled his hair. He moaned around my cock and feeling the vibration made me weak at the knees. He was so damn good. Too damn good. I didn’t want to stop.

He must have been able to tell I was getting close. He looked up at me again with watery eyes, and it was then I realized it was rare for me to see him cry.

I would much rather this.

“Gonna come,” I forced out, so stimulated by him I could hardly control myself. “Fucking hell.”

He swallowed as I did. I kept tugging on his hair, out of breath as my orgasm ripped through me. I felt like I was flying; that’s how good it was. Nick and that perfect mouth of his were to thank.

“ _Christ,_ Nick.” My words failed me still as he pulled off me, rising from his knees. I watched him wipe his mouth obscenely, his teary eyes meeting mine.

He helped tuck me back into my trousers, even fixed my belt with deft hands. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said, looking awfully pleased with himself. He had every right to look that way.

“You should. You’re fucking incredible. Never thought you’d be so, uh... good at that.” He was making me turn red, with the way he was looking at me.

“I’m full of surprises, I guess you could say.” He didn’t take his eyes off my face.

I felt so vulnerable, stripped of my anger, stripped of my pride. Everything. I found myself wanting to help him out as well; he clearly needed it and I knew I couldn’t deny him.

I never touched another man like this. Yet here I was, palming Nick through his trousers. He gasped and clung to me, so I pushed him into the wall again. I got bold and let my hand slip down the front, taking his hardened cock into my hand just as I would myself.

“ _Andy,_ ” he sighed into my ear, before taking the lobe between his teeth. He was gonna make me hard again if he kept that up.

I continued to pump him, drawing soft moans out of his mouth. When he kissed and sucked on my neck, I knew then that I was going to let him run me ragged. I was having too much fun to stop it there. I wanted more. So much more.

It didn’t take long for him to come in my hand, biting down on my shoulder. I held him there, let him relax and catch his breath against me. His cheeks were still wet. Now my hand was too. What a mess the two of us had created together.

“I’m not pissed at you anymore,” Nick whispered softly. “That worked wonders.”

“Orgasms typically do,” I replied before pulling my hand out of his trousers. “I’m not anymore either.”

Nick went over to his keyboards and killed the power. Looking at him, my knees were still a bit weak. He really did a number on me. And I wanted him to do it again.

And again.

And again...

“Maybe we’ve found our solution to the arguments,” Nick reasoned.

I thought about it. Was that an offering? I found myself hoping it was. “I suppose we have.”

“Well, I’m calling it a day. Or night, perhaps. Goodnight, Andy.” Nick winked as he passed me, going out the door so casually.

I stood there, stunned in my own silence. So much had just happened that I couldn’t comprehend it all. I wasn’t even going to try to. Maybe later. I had other things to worry about first.

I left the studio to wash my hands and splash some cold water on my face. It seemed that everyone else was done working for the day, so I decided I was done too.

I picked my guitar up off the floor and put it back in its case, glancing at Nick’s keyboards on the way out. I was glad I didn’t smash them with my guitar. He probably never would’ve spoken to me again if I did that.

On the way back to my room, I ran into Simon. He had since changed clothes, looking more laid back. He grabbed my shoulder and I worried for a moment that he could tell by the expression on my face what I had done with Nick in the studio. It just happened and I was already paranoid.

“Hey, man. Done for the night?” he asked, sounding chipper as ever.

Meanwhile, I had a war in my mind.

“Yeah, I’m shattered. I’m off for some food and then bed.” I went to walk away, eager to avoid conversation and be alone.

“Alright,” Simon said with a nod. He seemed to understand, though he continued. “I overheard you and Nick fighting earlier, that was why I never came back. Heard yelling and turned right back around,” he laughed. “Everything good between you?”

I hoped and prayed he had only heard the yelling part and not the two of us going down on each other. _Fuck._ “Yeah, we’re fine. You know how we get,” I played it down. He didn’t need to know. Hell, I didn’t want him to know.

“I do know. Opposites, you are.”

I faked a laugh. “Yeah, opposites.”

We parted and I sighed in relief when we were far enough apart. I then shuddered, because what if Simon had decided to walk in then? What if he had caught us? Would he be furious? And what about Roger and John? What would they think?

And why did I suddenly care so much?

I closed the door to my room behind me, finally alone.

———

A smoke, food and a hot shower only temporarily helped get my mind off of Nick. When I finally crawled into bed, burying my tired body in the soft sheets, it was him I imagined there with me.

I counted the minutes as they passed. It felt like the glowing red numbers on the alarm clock only teased me. I tried to close my eyes, anticipating drifting off into a deep slumber. But all I saw was Nick’s face, so close to mine. Then I imagined him kissing me, that unforgettable sensation manifesting in my mind.

I tossed and turned, burying my face in the pillow. I felt myself growing irritated. I was never going to be able to sleep with my mind racing like that.

Not to mention, as the images of Nick’s lips around my cock drifted into the forefront of my thoughts, I was getting hard all over again. _Fucking hell._

Damn Nick and that skilled mouth of his.

I tried breathing deeply and changing position. That didn’t work either; nothing was working. Finally giving in to my own desires, I let my hand slip down the front of my boxers.

But I was not going to think about Nick. No. I told myself I’d picture my wife, because I was insanely attracted to her and I loved her to bits.

Closing my eyes, I let the image of Tracey on our wedding night appear in my head. My hands were caressing her soft skin, then her gorgeous blonde hair. She’d sigh dreamily and ask me to make love to her.

I would comply, first kissing her lips, then her neck, then her breasts. I replayed the moans in my head as I touched myself, feeling the heat of my orgasm building in my stomach.

When I entered her, she gasped. But that gasp sounded more like Nick and less like Tracey.

“Fuck!” I cursed to myself, a strangled low whisper. I should have known that wouldn’t work. “Fine...”

I pictured Nick earlier tonight, his bruising kisses and the way he looked up at me. I loved how it felt to dominate him, thrusting into his mouth. He took it just like I wanted him to, giving me the pleasure I needed so desperately. He looked so fucking hot on his knees like that. All for me.

As I approached my climax, I imagined his voice moaning my name in my ear. I could almost hear it, that accent I despised and yet couldn’t get enough of in this context. I was slipping deeper and I didn’t really care. I liked how it felt, the danger of it all.

I bit my lip as I came in my own hand, wishing it was Nick’s mouth instead. I wanted him again. It was dangerous, and it felt like a crime, but I needed it so badly.

A crime of passion, I supposed. The storm was about to blow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the drama continue!

I anticipated seeing Nick the next morning so much that I could hardly sleep. I thought about him until the sun came up, feeling groggy as morning light hit the wispy curtains.

I stayed in bed for a long while, just staring at the blank walls of my room. I felt a sense of longing I hadn’t felt since I lived back home with my dad. The memories lulled me into a calmer state, an elixir for the tension I was harboring.

I let the emotion settle within me, wondering if yesterday had anything to do with it. It probably did. My mental state was all out of sort. What had happened with Nick was something I never thought would happen even twenty four hours ago. I had never wanted to touch Nick like that before. Now I craved him in ways I couldn’t yet comprehend, ways I would’ve turned my nose up at in disgust not even a day ago. I wondered briefly if I had feelings for him buried so deeply that even I couldn’t access them. And I wondered if I could, somehow, maybe...

_No_. I stopped my train of thought before it could go further than I wanted it to. Not going there.

I had already put myself in enough danger.

Contemplation wouldn’t help me in my current state. I’d just spiral further, down into something unfavorable, something not like me. What was I even thinking? I threw the sheets off my body and started the day.

I figured I’d go see John first, if he was even awake yet. If he wasn’t, then I’d wake him myself. At that point, I knew I could use his company as a distraction. I needed to not think about Nick.

Knocking on John’s door, it took a few moments before it flew open to reveal him. He had a beer in hand and his hair was an absolute disaster, sticking up in all different directions. I was hoping there wasn’t a girl in there with him.

“Ands, hey,” he spoke with a smile. He already seemed plastered. “Join me, why don’t you? Since you didn’t last night, you bugger you.”

How could I say no? I did come here to get my mind off Nick, after all. I never did get a drink in my system last night because of him.

“Mornin’, Johnny. Course I’ll join you.”

I pushed Nick to the back of my mind as John pushed a bottle into my hand.

That was more like it, more like me.

———

I showed up to the studio more drunk than I anticipated on being, thanks to John. I turned down the coke he offered me; I had to be somewhat comprehensible to record in the afternoon. I still cared about the music, despite my frustration with it.

Alex and Ian were there, as was Nick. I was in no mood to focus on anything. I just wanted to be as far away from everyone as I could get, Nick most of all.

After all, he was the one turning my world upside down. I wanted him and yet I knew I needed to stay away. But I knew deep down that I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to pin him against the wall and kiss him until he was gasping for breath, gasping for me.

The thought of it took my breath away. My guitar felt heavy in my grasp. I felt him staring at me and I couldn’t zero in on anything else. _Fuck, this is gonna be a long session,_ I thought to myself. I turned away from him. I couldn’t bare those damn eyes.

_ Focus, Andy. The music matters more than he does. _

Simon decided we should work on _Seven and the Ragged Tiger_ , although I thought it was a throwaway song. I agreed reluctantly. If we were gonna do this one, it needed to be pulled apart and completely reworked.

With Nick messing around with his synths, we got something new going with what we already had. In a drunken haze still, I joined in. My hands felt numb, like they weren’t even attached to my body.

He looked at me again. I wished he would have just pretended I wasn’t there at all. My fingers slipped along the fretboard mindlessly, losing myself in the improvisation. Maybe it would’ve been better if I was high too, maybe I’d have the energy to direct my attention to something that wasn’t Nick’s heavy gaze on me.

Before I realized what was happening, Simon was frantically penning new lyrics. Since when had redoing a track ever been this easy? I felt I could hardly remember those days, the crazy inspired _Rio_ sessions. I felt floaty and hardly real; my guitar was the only thing keeping me on the ground.

The new lyrics were good, though I missed a particular line that I wished Simon never would have gotten rid of.

_ All happy like a renegade with everything to gain, _

_ just a smell of independence, he defends his life again _

I was a renegade with everything to gain. The world was at my feet and yet I was too drunk to notice, wishing for a high to go along with it. I did notice something though.

I noticed how the entire session went by and all I did was think about Nick. What happened to him being in the back of my mind? We must have locked eyes twenty times, across rooms and through glass. It was like an obsession I couldn’t control, a fixation that only served to draw me closer to him.

When we were finished for the day, I packed up my things and headed out for a smoke by the pool to unwind. The evening sun beat down on me, the flame from my lighter tinting my world in another shade of orange.

The weather felt amazing, hot and comfortable. Lit cigarette in hand, I kicked off my shoes and sat by the edge of the pool. I rolled up my white trousers and dipped my feet in the chlorinated water. It was also quite warm. I watched the ripples around my ankles, how the sunset sky reflected in the water.

I leaned back, one hand propping myself up. It felt nice to relax after a long session. The effects of the drinking I did in the morning with Johnny had faded. Now I yearned for something else. Coke? Maybe. Surely John wouldn’t mind me hanging out in his room later, perhaps doing a line or two with me. Some good bonding was needed.

“Would you like some company?”

I knew who it was before I even turned around; that unmistakable, flirtatious accent to blame. My own biases were to blame too, my newfound biases.

So fucking strange.

I flicked some ashes into the pool, feeling Nick’s presence as he came and sat beside me. I had a million things I wanted to say and none of them were making it out of my mouth, they just swirled around in my head. Like the water in the pool, ceaselessly moving, yet still on the surface. I was so damn still I wasn’t even breathing.

“Hey,” Nick nudged me, getting closer. Was he wearing perfume? Or was it my imagination? “Talk to me, Ands.”

“Don’t _Ands_ me.” I gave in, but on my own terms. If I was going to play this game, I was going to play it my way. “What’s your problem? You hardly spoke to me today.”

Nick looked taken aback by my words. Once I looked at him, I couldn’t look away. He leaned into me, resting a hand on my shoulder. I took a long drag, waiting for his excuse.

“You want the rest of the guys to catch onto what we’re doing?” he asked, voice low in my ear.

“Fuck no. There’s enough bullshit dramatics in this band already. Don’t need more of it.”

Nick raised a brow. The sun was in his eyes and I found myself mesmerized; they seemed to sparkle like emeralds. My cigarette burned in my hand, ashes falling into my lap. I cursed inwardly.

“There’s your answer then. I was planning on finding you later anyway,” Nick spoke in tones of seduction, gently taking my hand and lifting it to his painted mouth. I watched as my cigarette pressed against his lips. He took a drag and I thought relentlessly about kissing him, long and hard.

I squinted, transfixed by him. He blew his smoke in my face. I wanted to be mad at him, but the truth of the matter was that I could only be mad at myself for giving in.

I turned my hand and grabbed his wrist, squeezing a bit. The cigarette fell into the pool, the glowing embers doused by the rippling water. Nick smirked. I tightened my grip.

“Planning on finding me, huh?” I asked, watching his eyes closely. “Cute.”

He nodded. This newfound... thing between us had me excited to see just how far I could push him, and how far he would push me in return. I was willing to go further for the fun of it. I think he was too.

“I wanted to have a private conversation with you. And then, later, more privacy and a little less conversation. If that’s okay with you.”

Holy fuck. I was still holding his wrist, my imagination running wild. He knew exactly what he was doing to me, and I wanted to do the same to him. I wanted to get to him, have him at my mercy. Just thinking about it turned me on. I was burning up and the setting sun wasn’t the only one to blame.

I opened my mouth to speak, trying to be clever, but all that came out was stuttering. “That’s uh, more than okay with me.”

Nick surprised me, standing and pulling me up with him. I wasn’t sure what was on his mind, though I did know where we were going together.

I couldn’t deny how much I wanted it anymore.

I wanted him.

———

Nick thought he would be taking control as the door shut behind us, pushing me into the wall as his lips attacked mine. He thought wrong. Though he was strong, I was just a bit stronger, and I pushed back until I had him against the wall. Just like in the studio yesterday.

The kisses were laced with the nicotine left behind on our lips. I felt him melting, muscles growing weaker as he started to rut against me. I knew it wouldn’t take long to have him where I wanted him.

Every time I drew away, my attraction to those lips grew. Red and swollen and sheen with spit, I kissed him once more as hard as I could. He moaned into my mouth, hands clutching at my sides. His grip was like a vice.

I got daring. Still kissing him, I grabbed him by the collar and twirled him around. He bit my bottom lip. I didn’t think it was an accident. I shoved him down onto the bed, enjoying the little gasp I got from him.

I settled between his legs, glad that he opened them to accommodate me. He looked up at me, pupils blown wide. His cheeks were flushed and I felt myself grow harder, in a pair of trousers that made it obvious how much I wanted him.

“Andy,” he whispered my name like a secret.

“Nick,” I said, reaching for his arms. I pinned them above his head.

I watched him stifle a moan. I wanted to make him scream. “Want you,” he said instead.

“Tell me how you want me.” I tightened my grip on his wrists, watching his face contort with pleasure.

“Fuck me,” he replied, his tone almost a growl. “ _Hard_.”

I felt so hot, breaking out in a sweat that would only burn my skin more. I had never slept with a man before. It both excited me and frightened me. But I wanted it. I wanted him so badly I could taste it.

The phone started ringing, the shrill noise startling us both. I looked at Nick, not wanting to let him go.

“Shit,” he cursed underneath me. “That’s probably Julie.”

I never did like Julie Anne. I rolled my eyes, frustrated. “Can’t you call her back later?”

Nick shook his head, urging me to let him up. I did reluctantly. “No, are you serious? You know how she is.”

“Unfortunately,” I grumbled. He picked up the phone and I felt anger bubbling within me.

As if nothing had just happened between us, he started talking to her. His voice had completely changed; now it was soft and sweet. I didn’t know what else to do, so I left his room, making sure to slam the door extra hard on the way out.

_Why am I so angry?_ I asked myself, though it was a question I couldn’t yet answer. I didn’t know what to do, or how to deal with what I was feeling.

I still felt his warm mouth on mine, the pressure of those lips. He didn’t bite me hard enough to draw blood. I found myself wishing he had.

Back in my own room, I was alone again. Alone and angry enough to do something stupid.

I grabbed the first breakable thing I could get my hands on, which happened to be an empty beer bottle I had brought back from John’s room earlier that morning. I threw it as hard and far as I could, reveling in the satisfying sound of glass shattering.


	3. Chapter 3

“You again?” John said upon opening his door, our eyes meeting. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, just... never mind. Come in, Ands.”

I walked into his room, keeping silent. If he was with it at all, he’d be able to tell the kind of energy I must have been radiating. I wore my irritation on my sleeve. My teeth grit on their own; I felt the pressure in my entire body.

I wanted to tell John about what just happened with Nick, to explode with rage and rant. But he didn’t need that, plus I didn’t want him spilling my secret. Knowing him, he would by complete accident. That could have gotten me in more trouble than it was worth.

And I didn’t even sleep with him. It was an almost, yet that didn’t change the fact that I still wanted to. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

_ Fuck. _

I pushed that wanting away, neglecting it. Starving it. I sat on the sofa of John’s suite and stared blankly at the black television screen. It wasn’t even on. A disgruntled sigh escaped my lips; I knew then I’d caught John’s attention.

John came over and sat next to me, eyeing me with concern. It was certainly a feat to get him to worry. He was always the one we were worrying about.

He tried to put his arm around me and I flinched away.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” he asked, nudging my shoulder instead.

He could see right through me. It wasn’t hard to, and he knew me too damn well. “It’s... it’s fuckin’ _stupid_. Alright? Don’t really wanna get into it,” I told him.

I was eager to change the subject. I knew just what would do the trick. “How about a line? I could use one right about now, get my mind off of everything.”

He eagerly agreed, getting his stash out. The whole time all I thought about was how Nick didn’t like drugs, how he hated when any of us did them. I suddenly felt guilty. Why did I care so much what Nick thought?

As I inhaled, pleasure soon outweighed the nagging pain I felt. The rush washed away all my worries, and though my relief was only temporary, it almost felt like it would last forever.

It wouldn’t. And all I was doing was running, from one problem to another.

Always running.

———

The phone ringing brought me out of my mind and back into reality. I had been in John’s room for no more than forty-five minutes, and it felt as though that incessant ringing had followed me from Nick’s room. I was too high to be frustrated with the sound, for I felt much too elated. That was what I needed all day.

John swore under his breath and made his way to the phone, while I stayed on the sofa. I certainly did not expect the call to be for me.

“It’s Nick,” John said, turning around to look at me. “He’s asking for ya.”

My heartbeat pounded in my chest just at the mention of his name. Asking for me? He had completely blown me off when Julie Anne called, and now he wanted me?

I got up anyway, like the sofa would burn me if I stayed any longer. I did my best to look confused as I took the phone from John.

“What d’ya want, Nick?”

“Come back,” he answered simply.

I was half afraid John could hear my heartbeat, then he’d catch onto what was going on; paranoia threatened to swallow me whole. “Why should I?”

“Because I’ll give you what you want. Whatever you want.” The line went dead, and I was left with those words echoing in my head.

_ Whatever you want. _

My feet felt like they were on fire. The sensation of arousal returned, blood rushing through my veins faster and faster. It was my chance to satiate my wanting, my desperate needing that I couldn’t seem to tame no matter how hard I tried.

“I’m, uh, gonna go see what he wants. He’s being weird. You know ‘im,” I uttered, not even waiting for John’s reply.

That would arise questions later, but I couldn’t find it in me to care in that moment. Nick was to blame, tempting me the way he did. I think he knew it didn’t take much.

I was curling around his finger.

I didn’t even have to knock on his door. He opened it and pulled me inside in one swift movement.

He pressed his lips to mine harshly, while leading me to the bed. _Back_ to the bed.

Together we wrestled for control, lips moving, tongues tasting. He tried to pin me down and I let him, his lithe body straddling my hips. I groaned into his mouth when he started to grind down on me; irresistible friction keeping me weakened.

I looked up at him, orange tinted hair framing his pretty face. His green eyes gleamed with lust, and his mouth shined in the soft lamplight. He was a perfect picture of my fantasy. I found it difficult to breathe.

“Can we finish what we started earlier?” he whispered, hand dropping to palm me through my trousers with those magical hands of his.

I nodded, eyes closing as I took a deep breath. I took him by surprise, shoving him off me and pinning him down instead.

“You really pissed me off earlier, you know that?” I asked, though I knew he knew. “Getting me all worked up and letting Julie cock block. Not cool, Nick.”

Nick smiled. “I know. I’m sorry.”

I started on his shirt, my callused fingers working on the buttons. Luckily, most were already undone. “How did you know I was with John?”

“You go get high with him all the time. You weren’t answering your phone, so I tried his.”

I shook my head. He must have really wanted me if he went to all that trouble.

“You’re something else,” I said, pulling his shirt out from underneath him and tossing it aside. He stared up at me, seeming to search my face.

“You’re high right now.”

“Yeah, so?”

Nick shrugged, then grabbed my hand and yanked me down. “Just an observation, that’s all.”

He kissed me so hard I swore I saw stars. I bit his bottom lip before I pulled away, taking it between my teeth and sucking on it. He slid his hands underneath my shirt and raked his nails up my back.

“You’re so fucking hot. And a goddamn _tease_.” I pressed my lips to his neck and sucked on a piece of skin there, enjoying the sweet little whine I received from him.

“You’re fun to tease,” he purred, tilting his head to give me better access. “But I did mean it when I said I’d give you whatever you wanted.”

I raised a brow; there were plenty of things I wanted from him. But I wanted to give him what he wanted, too, to satisfy and keep him coming back for more. I didn’t want it to be a one night stand and I was hoping he didn’t want it to be either.

“Alright,” I said, breathing against his neck. I pulled back and watched those lusty eyes. “You’ve got stuff in here?”

I was thankful he knew what I meant. “Underneath the pillow, on the right.”

I climbed off him and lifted the pillow, finding a condom and lube. “Always prepared, huh?”

He winked, moving up the bed with me. “Always,” he replied, his lips curving around the word like it was a prayer. 

My arousal grew, as he started to fully undress before me. I had seen his body before, but not like this, never in this context. He was gorgeous, every damn inch of him. I noticed that his once pale skin was starting to grow darker from the tropical sun exposure. My eyes raked over the beauty marks littering his form, then down, to his cock, which begged for stimulation.

I hadn’t realized how long I’d been staring until I felt a hand pulling me closer. Then came Nick’s whispered, sultry words: “ _fuck me, Andy._ ”

Now kneeling on the bed, he pushed me down and worked on helping me remove my clothes. I let him, victim to those eyes. They drew me in, held me captive.

And to think I once rejected the idea of us together. Unbelievable. I almost laughed as he slid my boxers down my legs, my leaking erection springing free.

He turned and settled back down, hair splayed across the white pillowcase. I got behind him, both on our sides. I realized how new I was to this. At least the position was familiar, and from the angle, it was a bit easier to forget he wasn’t a woman. Even so, I was wildly attracted to him.

It felt strange to admit it to myself, that I was attracted to a man.

I searched behind me for the lube, grabbing the bottle and dispensing it onto my fingers. I leant forward and pressed my lips against Nick’s neck, while slowly working a finger inside him.

“Did you think about me last night?” he asked me suddenly.

“Of course I did,” I replied, recalling my sleepless night. “You and your incredible fucking mouth.”

He seemed pleased with that. He started to push back on my hand, so I gave him another finger. “You turn me on... I thought about you, pinning me down and fucking me.”

I set my other hand on his hip, fingers digging into the flesh there. “I’ll do that right now.”

“Please.”

“Gonna beg me for it now?”

Nick groaned softly, growing impatient. “Gonna fuck me now?”

His attitude turned me on, in a weird way. My skin was burning up in the balmy heat between us. He knew he was doing a number on me; I could tell he loved it.

“That’s it, you’re gonna get it.”

I pulled my fingers out and torn the foil packet open with my teeth. I rolled the condom onto my cock, hands trembling. Deep down, it scared me how much I wanted this, wanted him. I was too caught up in all of it to care.

I slicked myself up and started to press into him. The slowness ached; I couldn’t be rough just yet. I didn’t want to hurt him. Relieved when I felt him relax, we both emitted a gentle sigh as he pushed back against me.

Lost for words, I didn’t have a clue what to say. A million thoughts raced through my head and yet nothing could make it past my lips. I wondered if I should even speak, if I should just let my actions do the talking. There was so much I felt I needed to say to him.

“More,” Nick panted.

I pushed in to the hilt, the tightness blowing my mind. “ _Fuck,_ ” I uttered into the skin of his shoulder. I felt the pleasure everywhere. “You feel so fucking good.”

“ _Andy._ ”

“You keep moaning my name like that and this won’t last long.”

“Shut the fuck up and fuck me.”

Hearing him curse like that made me smirk. “Watch your mouth, princess.”

“Watch yours,” he muttered, “ _bastard._ ”

I gripped his hip again and set up a brutal pace, thrusting hard. He threw his head back and I drew back, slamming into him again. His body accommodated mine perfectly.

I bit down on his shoulder as I fucked him, trying to keep myself quiet. I didn’t want the others knowing what we were doing. Nick’s low moans were quiet enough to be kept our little secret.

“Harder.” Nick clutched the sheets underneath him as he rocked back.

Wordlessly, I dug my nails into his hips, giving him all I had. I knew I wasn’t going to last; the white hot pleasure was getting to me. I had never had a lay this good before.

I then reached around and took his cock into my hand, just like I did the night before. I pumped him in time with my thrusts, feeling my own orgasm approaching.

“Ah, _Andy,_ ” he moaned again. His warm skin was slick where it met mine, the heat rising between us making us both perspire.

“Come for me, Nick,” I grunted in his ear.

I was driving him crazy and I loved every moment of it. After all, he  did the same to me. I was starting not to mind.

A few more erratic thrusts and I felt him release in my hand. I soon followed, riding out my high inside of him, in ecstasy.

I felt like I was soaring: the combination of the cocaine and the orgasm had my body so stimulated. Overstimulated. I pulled out of Nick and breathed deeply, wonderingfor a moment if I was dreaming.

“I’m going to shower.” Nick’s voice brought me out of my head. He was hovering over me, hair a mess and skin still sweat sheen. He leaned down and captured my lips in a feathery kiss that took me by surprise.

“Okay,” I replied, mesmerized.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to enhance the vibe of this chapter, listen to _Midnight Summer Dream_ by the Stranglers. it’s a great song and it inspired that last scene!

The sizzling afternoon sun beat down on the five of us, all enjoying a day off for rest and relaxation. I thought it a miracle we were all getting along on a free day. It was nice to be outside of the studio, to bask in the sunshine instead of working.

I leaned on the poolside, feeling the sun’s rays warm my skin. I was getting quite tan, as were the others. We turned a darker shade we’d never dream of getting back home. Staying in a tropical place and failing to apply sunscreen really did the trick.

I glanced at the beads of water on my arms, watching them fall to the concrete. I thought about last night, the whirlwind it was. So insane. Never had I thought I’d sleep with anyone in my band, let alone Nick. He left me with the notion that wouldn’t be the last time, and for that I was grateful.

Once wasn’t enough. I knew from that first time in the studio that it wouldn’t be. One kiss and I got hooked, craving more the more I received from him.

I remembered Nick taking me back to his room, the kisses, then the phone ringing. I remembered storming out, going back to mine and smashing that empty beer bottle to pieces. I remembered doing coke with John, Nick asking me to come back. I remembered how he felt around me, moaning my name as we fucked. I remembered dressing and leaving, but not without more kisses first. I remembered feeling better than I had in months, cleaning up that broken glass with a smile on my face.

Things were getting strange. I didn’t know who I could turn to about it, if it even was anything worth creating a fuss over. I wasn’t sure if it was what I needed to fuel my creative spark or if I should have been worried. _Aren’t I supposed to be relaxing?_ I asked myself. I always found ways to let things weigh on me, usually without the others noticing. I was sneaky like that.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I heard John’s voice beside me suddenly. He copied my pose, eyeing me with inquisition.

“Eh, nothing much,” I lied. “Just missin’ Trace, that’s all.”

“I figured. So what did Nick want last night?”

There it was, the dreaded question. I knew it was coming. I had another lie prepared and was hoping John would buy into it.

“He wanted to apologize after that fight we had in the studio the other day. He started it, serves him right,” I laughed, playing it cool. “We’re good, I promise. For now.”

John nodded slowly. “Alright, just find that a bit odd. Nick’s never like that with you, you know? You two... usually move on, without any of that. Maybe I’m reading into it too much, I just can’t help it. He’s so different with you.”

The fact that John noticed something was amiss made me uncomfortable. I feared he’d get too close to cracking one of us, and our secret was something I wanted to keep between Nick and I. And only us.

I got standoffish with him. It was all I could do to cover up what I was already struggling to keep to myself. “No, nothing’s changed. Same old Nick, same old me. Just how much did you drink this mornin’, Johnny?”

———

Things went downhill from that conversation I had with John. I found myself wishing it hadn’t happened. Why did my band mates have to be so nosy? Couldn’t they just mind their own?

Nick had overheard bits and pieces from across the pool.

Within minutes, I watched him leave. Tanned body wrapped in a towel, he mumbled something about not feeling well and left. I saw right through his guise; I wasn’t stupid.

I left shortly after he did, after battling such an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t enjoy myself any longer. I lied again, saying I was going to call Tracey. Well, that wasn’t a complete lie. I did need to. I told myself I’d do it later.

I was more worried about Nick, and that look on his face. He looked disgusted. He looked like the next words out of his mouth would be grumbled sarcasm.

I followed him anyway, starting off to our suites. I tried not to look as concerned as I felt as I made my way to his door.

I knocked and waited. Nothing. Just silence. My heart sunk and I wondered if he had gone out instead, but he couldn’t have left that quickly.

Something told me to try the doorknob, so I did. It turned in my hand and I walked inside, searching around for any sign of Nick.

What I didn’t expect was to find him sitting on his bed, facing the balcony doors. His bare back was turned, and though he had to have heard my footsteps, he didn’t turn around to look at me.

“Nick,” I spoke softly, not wanting to startle him. “What’s the matter?”

I came around the edge of the bed, standing before him. He still didn’t meet my eyes, or say a word. He stared at his fingers like they were the most fascinating thing in the world.

“C’mon, don’t play games. Was it something I said?” I knelt so he had to look at me. I couldn’t hide the tinge of worry in my voice. “Tell me, Nick.”

There they were again, those gorgeous eyes. I noticed the subtle traces of makeup that lined his lashes. His gaze drifted from my eyes to my lips, then back to my eyes again. 

“I heard you talking to John, saying I started it. In the studio the other day. Why did you tell him? Don’t you know he can’t keep a secret for the life of him?” he asked, sounding hurt.

I started to shake my head. I couldn’t believe he thought I would do that to him. “No, I never told him anything. All I did was lie to him so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea about us. I told him you apologized for the fight, that’s it. He doesn’t know anything else. I promise.”

I watched him watch me, listening to what I had to say. I felt something shifting within me. At the time, I hadn’t a clue what it actually was.

“He can’t know,” Nick told me, stern as I’d ever heard him. “No one can. Alright?”

“Won’t tell a soul.”

I held out my pinky finger, waiting for him to wrap his around mine. He did, solidifying our little secret. _Don’t worry, I want you all to myself._ I thought, but didn’t dare say those words. Danger was already on the horizon, building slow and creeping up on me, so gradual.

I almost could say it. The words were on the tip of my tongue. I could taste them.

He didn’t let go of my hand. Instead, he yanked me closer.

“Now you’ve got me alone,” Nick whispered, a smirk playing on his face. He looked at me with so much wanting in his gaze that it took my breath away.

“It appears I have...”

I stood and pushed him down on the bed, climbing over him and hovering there. He appeared so vulnerable that way. I felt the familiar weight of control in my palms as I placed a hand on his arm and applied pressure.

Nick’s pouty lips were enticing, too enticing to resist. I drifted down to kiss him, long and hard, and he keened softly underneath me.

A wave of arousal hit me, and fast. My heart pounded like a drum against my rib cage. He had such an effect on me that I lost all sense of composure with him. 

I drew away to kiss along his neck, sucking on warm chlorine skin. He writhed beneath me, begging for more without words. I kept teasing anyway.

“ _Andy,_ ” he moaned my name, effectively making me harder.

If only he knew just what he was doing to me.

“What do ya want, Nick?”

I watched his chest rise and fall, then he forced out the breathy words: “I wanna ride you.”

———

The wind whipped around the balcony, pretense of the thunder storm on the rise. We stayed outside anyway. It felt nice to have a break from the balmy stagnation, to finally get a little air.

Nick and I stood side by side, sharing a cigarette. I watched as he flicked the ashes over the ledge. He eyed the darkening sky with contentment; I could tell he was still a bit blissed out. Or perhaps he was tired.

I looked away for a moment, fighting the urge to smirk. I wore him out.

Our second time together was rougher than the first. Desperate hands roamed miles of skin, quivering and ever so needy. It was fast and hot as hell. If it kept getting better, I didn’t know how I would survive.

Nick was just too damn good.

He exhaled smoke from his drag and looked at me, handing me the cigarette. I took it, our fingers brushing in the process.

“Can I ask you something?” Nick interrupted our silence.

“Go for it,” I replied, my interest perked.

I felt Nick watching me and I suddenly felt self conscious. “Do you think what’s been going on between us over the years... do you think that it was always sexual tension? Or something else?”

I blinked slowly. “I really don’t know for certain. I never was attracted to men, never gave a shit. You...” I searched my mind for the answer, but perhaps I had buried it so deep even I couldn’t access it. “I reckon you intimidated me, more than anything.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. Hell if I knew. “I don’t know, you just did. You’re really pretty and you’ve got this thing going on... you’ve girls and guys falling at your feet. Fuck, even Andy Warhol’s got the hots for you. You could have anyone you want, really.”

I handed him back the cigarette after taking a long drag, punctuating our conversation. He was chuckling softly, shaking his head at me. I noticed how his cheeks were dusted pink.

“You think so?” he asked, perhaps in disbelief.

“Think what?”

“That I’m pretty, that Andy Warhol fancies me. And that I could have anyone.”

“Well,” I started, inching closer to him. Our bare shoulders touched. “I wouldn’t be sayin’ this shit if I didn’t think it was true.”

The territory I had stumbled into was odd and all new to me. I was flirting with him, with no shame. I dismissed it as me just wanting another go with him. One more time wouldn’t hurt.

Right?

“Charming,” Nick finally said. He seemed to look right through me, unraveling me and getting to my very core.

The air around us began to change, the wind whipping our hair around. I studied the trees as they swayed and the sky as it darkened. The cigarette burned on in my hand, so I took another long drag, my head swirling with too many unanswered questions.

“So, what about you?” I turned to Nick, lifting the almost spent cigarette to his lips. He gave me a sultry stare before taking it into his mouth. “What do you think of all this? Surely you could have gone after somebody more your type.”

His gaze narrowed, and I watched the smoke disappear from his lips. “Who said I have a type?”

“Everybody does, whether they know it or not. Simon strikes me as the kind of guy you’d go after. Y’know, big and tall, great personality.”

He laughed, carding a hand through his tousled hair. “I’m not after Simon.”

_ Who are you after then? _

I figured I wouldn’t press any further in that department. “Alright, fair enough.”

As I took the cigarette from his manicured hand, a single drop of rain fell and put out the glowing end. What are the chances of such a thing? Perhaps the universe was always much more calculated than I.

Nick let the cigarette drop near our feet. He turned to me and placed his hand on my chest. The rain picked up, a drizzle forming around us. A droplet hit his cheek and sunk, somewhat resembling a tear. 

“You wanna know what I think?”

I swallowed. “What?”

He leaned forward, lips against the shell of my ear. “I think you should take me back to bed,” he whispered.

I couldn’t deny how those words sucked the oxygen right out of my lungs.

“I think so too,” I replied, grabbing his face.

Our lips collided and all I could taste was that cigarette. It didn’t take long for the drizzle to become a downpour. The rain and his soft gasps were all I could hear for a few very perfect moments.

I pulled him inside, out of the weather. Our wet hair dripped, our skin slipping and sliding too. I manhandled him back to the bed.

He had a hard time being quiet, though the heavy rain helped to drown out his moans. I didn’t hold back my rain; I pushed him down onto the duvet and got to it.

He was so damn pretty, even with his hair mussed and no makeup on. And I had him all spread out just for me. Inviting me inside, letting me take him.

He arched his back, breathing my name as we climaxed together.

How lucky I was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one, since it’s very heavy on the emotions. let me know your thoughts on this fic, i thrive on comments!

_Lightning cracked in the black and blue sky, the strong winds tossing my sailboat over the choppy waves. The sound threatened to split the sky in two. I held on as tightly as I could to the mast, and yet it still felt like I would plummet down deep into the dark blue water surrounding me._

_I knew I was in danger. I knew it wouldn’t be long until my boat was eaten by the unforgiving waves, never to sail the seas again. I watched the salty water wash across the deck, recede and then return with a vengeance. It wasn’t going to get any better. Danger._

_My clothes were soaked. My boots were filled with water. So much water, water as far as my eyes could see. I accepted the fact that I would die at sea. My body would sink to the bottom of the ocean, lost forever, never to be found by my loved ones._

_My loved ones?_

_I gasped, drops of water seeping into my lungs. I got the feeling something very bad was about to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it. My chest ached. A particularly strong wave threw my boat sideways, making it harder to hang on._

_My scream wasn’t the only scream I could hear._

_“Andy... Andy, help!”_

_“Andy, down here!” Another voice, this one closer._

_I knew I had to follow that voice. I let go of the mast and slid down onto the deck. I crawled towards that voice on my hands and knees. My heart pounded when I met the edge, gripping the slippery railing with all the strength I had left in me._

_I looked down in horror._

_My eyes met Nick’s, gripping onto the boat from down below, his skin stark white. His teeth were chattering. For a second he looked relieved to see me, though I could not guarantee him anything._

_Now we were both in danger._

_“Andy,” Nick pleaded, reaching out to me with all his will. “Help me.”_

_As soon as I reached out, I heard more screaming from behind me. That scream was distorted, unrecognizable. The boat tilted again and I gripped the deck; fear and adrenaline pumped through my body._

_I wasn’t letting Nick die. No way._

_I took a risk, leaning down towards the water enough for Nick to grab my hand. The storm raged on and he gripped on tight. I pulled as hard as I could and helped his body emerge from the water._

_Once he got more leverage, I grabbed both his arms and hauled him up onto the deck. We crashed down in a pile of limbs together, both of us breathing hard. Nick’s eyes were bloodshot and he was shaking. His clothes were stuck to him, as were mine._

_“Andy,” he sobbed. I felt strangely numb, but I did register the sensation of him clutching onto my arm. He then took my hand and laced our fingers together. “You chose me, you saved me.”_

_Chose? I didn’t know what he meant. The storm slowed, no more lightning, and the dark clouds began to break away. The sky turned light blue above us. I stared up in awe. What was happening?_

_I looked at him and he began to transform. His hair dried and styled, eyes made up, his complexion returning to normal._

_Then we were transported to a grand ballroom. I soon found my hands around his waist. We were dancing together in the finest suits. A jazz band played something upbeat, a swinging number. I felt a familiar aching in my chest, a four letter word I used sparingly._

_“Nick, what’s going on?”_

_He just smiled and leaned in, pressing his lips to my cheek. “You love me,” he whispered in my ear._

_“I do?”_

_He nodded as we swayed together. “And I love you, more than Tracey ever did.”_

I jolted upright in bed, finding myself alone. I could’ve sworn I felt his lips on mine; it blurred the lines between dream and reality. Why did my brain have to torture me?

I clutched the sheets, trying to get my breathing under control again. But I was so frightened that I couldn’t relax.

I realized that I had forgotten to call Tracey that evening, too caught up with Nick. _Fuck._

Perhaps hearing her voice would help me feel better, and get me out of the state I was in. That dream was more of a nightmare than anything. I wasn’t in love with Nick, I was in love with my wife. That was why I married her.

Nick didn’t mean anything to me.

I picked up the phone, calling Tracey. I then glanced at the time and cursed inwardly. I hoped she would still be awake, that I wouldn’t be waking her. She didn’t need my bullshit.

I stayed on the line anyway, waiting to see if she’d pick up.  After a few moments, the dial tone stopped and I heard her sweet voice.

“Hello? Is that you Andy?”

I smiled. I knew I’d be okay, I felt better already. “Yes it’s me, love.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle up, it’s a bumpy ride!

“Andy, rise and shine. Time to record!”

It took me a moment to realize where I was, what was going on, and who was shaking me awake. I opened my bleary eyes, still incredibly exhausted. Recalling my bad night, I sat up in twisted sheets. Simon’s hand dropped from my shoulder, and to my surprise, he sat down on the bed.

“God, what’s the rush? Nick’s probably not even up yet,” I groaned, not realizing that I would only be getting myself into more trouble by mentioning his name.

“It’s ten, they need us down there for eleven, at the latest. Don’t worry, I’m going to get him up,” Simon spoke, studying my face as I rubbed my eyes. “You look shattered. Bad night?”

“Because I am. Slept like shit,” I told him, intending on hiding the real reason why.

He looked at me with those kind blue eyes of his, concern growing evident. “Are you alright?”

_Oh no,_ I thought. _Not another one._ It was easy to lie to John, but not as easy to lie to Simon. He always saw through my muddled words, quick to catch me and call me out. Gently, but still. He had his ways.

I knew this time, if it was about what I thought it was, that I probably deserved to hear what he had to say on the matter.

I decided to try my luck anyway. “I’m fine. Just on the phone late with Tracey. I’ll live, I’ve felt worse before.”

Something was off about him; he didn’t seem himself at all. He looked like there was something he wanted to say and didn’t know how to say. Every second dragged on like an hour. I felt the need to hold my breath. 

He was making me nervous.

“Listen, I’m worried about you,” Simon said, finally breaking the prolonged silence. “You’ve been acting strange, and so has Nick.”

“I told you—”

“Andy.” He didn’t wait for me to finish. He looked at me right in the eye. “Don’t lie to me. I know about you and Nick.”

It felt as though my soul had left my body. My mind raced and I panicked, eyes wide. I tried to get up and away from Simon, but he grabbed my arm.

“Just talk to me, Andy. Please,” his voice was low, begging me with his words and his eyes. “I’m not mad, I just want to talk about it.”

I didn’t want to talk about it. Not with him, not even with Nick. It made it all too real, made me aware that what I was doing wasn’t the right thing to do. I was in the wrong. And yet I couldn’t stop what I was doing. Nick had me in a trap that I couldn’t escape; back to the wall, no way out.

He let go of my arm. I reluctantly sat down beside him. It then crossed my mind that he and Nick were close friends.

“Did he tell you? I will fuckin’ kill him if he did.”

Simon shook his head. “No, he didn’t. I haven’t even talked to him since I found out.”

I sighed, somewhat relieved. “Alright, so spill. How’d you find out?”

“I saw it was going to rain so I went back to my room, and on the way back, I looked up at Nick’s balcony. I saw you two there, standing close together. Then I watched you grab his face and kiss him. I looked away, I thought I was seeing things. I never thought anything of the sort would ever happen between you two. I knew about Nick’s sexuality... just didn’t expect that of _you_. Especially since you’re the only one in the band who’s married.”

I put my head in my hands. “To be honest, I didn’t expect it of me either. It’s so... goddamn insane.”

_I’m straight,_ I wanted to say. Could I? Even if I knew deep down it wasn’t the full truth?

Simon continued, watching me intently. “Then I waited a moment and looked back at the balcony. At this point I was getting soaked from the rain, and I saw you pull him inside. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you two slept together. Crazy as it is to draw conclusions, you kinda gave me all the clues I needed,” he chuckled softly, perhaps trying to lighten the mood.

My stomach churned. All I could think about was Tracey, going to bed alone, and me, getting off with my band mate in the Caribbean. Now, it wasn’t even just our little secret. Fucking hell. I felt like the biggest piece of shit walking the planet.

I wanted to drink myself dizzy, and then keep going until I fell on the floor. Who would be there to pick me up, to help me? Would Nick even bother?

Oddly enough, I didn’t want the answer to that question.

“Yeah, I did. We did. We fucked. _There._ You happy, Simon?” I looked to him and then looked away immediately. I could feel the heat radiating off my skin, and I knew it wasn’t just from the sunburn.

“Was it the first time?” he asked, nonchalant.

He wasn’t letting me down easy. How could I blame him? It seemed I was the least likely in the band to sleep with a guy, let alone another member of my own band. Not just once; I kept going back for more, completely and utterly seduced by Nick.

I needed to stop messing around with Nick before things got ugly. I knew it from the beginning, and I still couldn’t stop. Each time I tried to hold back, I only got myself deeper into it.

“No,” I answered, curt.

Simon appeared surprised. “Really?”

I fought back the urge to groan. “Yes, Charley. Really.” I narrowed my gaze. I wanted him to stop his prying. “Why do you care?”

He got up, pacing to the window. He opened the curtains, morning light pouring into the room. I squinted at the brightness.

“I care because you’re both my friends, I care about you and don’t want to see either of you hurt. And unfortunately, I feel like that’s what’s going to happen with you two. He and Julie are still an item, and you’ve got Tracey back home.”

I gripped the sheets beneath me, balling a fist. I hated that I knew he was right. I didn’t want to admit it, not to him, and not to myself.

“Why do you think somebody’s gonna get hurt? It’s just sex. That’s it,” I told him. “Nothing more.”

“Have you talked to Nick about it? Agreed that it’s just sex?”

He was full of questions that I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to think about any of it, I wanted to avoid it. That’s why I wasn’t planning on telling anybody else in the band in the first place.

I shook my head. “No. I think it goes without sayin’, you know? We’re in this band, we have to work together every day. I’ve got a wife and he’s got a girlfriend. There are no feelings. We’d never want each other that way.”

Simon turned back around, and I saw he was smirking. My blood boiled.

“What’s so funny?”

He tried to look serious and failed, still smiling as he asked, “Andy, how can you be sure if you two haven’t talked about it?”

At the time, I was sure. Maybe not as sure as I should have been, but that didn’t matter. I knew my limits. Our limits. There was no way we could ever be together as a couple and I was okay with it.

“Because it can’t happen. It _won’t_ happen. First off, Nick’s a cold hearted bastard. Second, if he ever went for a guy to... y’know, have a relationship with, it wouldn’t be me.”

Simon paced back to the bed, hand in his hair. He looked as though he was about to give me advice of some sort. All I knew was that I didn’t need it. I could handle the situation on my own.

I wanted Nick in bed, that’s it.

We made eye contact again. “You don’t know Nick as well as you think you do,” Simon voiced calmly.

I raised a brow at him, unsure as to what he was getting at. “What do you mean? I’ve known him for what? Three years?”

“That’s true, but I’ve been close to him since I joined the band. I’ve seen more of him than you have. Emotionally, at least. He’s not cold like you think. He’s quite sensitive and he’s real good at hiding it.”

Nick? Sensitive? I almost laughed. What was Simon trying to say?

“Though I think whatever happened yesterday between you two, that was him showing that sensitivity with you. When he left the pool and you followed? I could tell by the look on his face.”

Fuck. How did Simon pick up on that? Maybe neither of us were as good at being discreet as we thought.

I pretended to be interested in my fingernails; it was too hard to look at him. “You’re being so fuckin’ vague.”

“I don’t think it’s just sex to him.”

My heartbeat quickened and I grew warm in the face. I didn’t want it to be true, that would complicate everything more, as if our situation wasn’t already complicated enough. The thought of Nick wanting more scared the shit out of me.

The thought of _me_ wanting more was even more scary.

“But why, Simon?” I wanted the bed to swallow me. No, I wanted to disappear. “I’m so fucked up right now.”

“I just told you. He hasn’t been himself with me lately, either. You have an effect on him. Can’t you see it?”

“What, are you fucking him into the mattress too? Should we all just have a go with Nick and see what happens? _Fuck it,_ not like we have anything to lose, right?” I raised my voice at him, my own emotions getting the best of me. “Sod off, Charley.”

I got up and started throwing some clothes on. I was done with this conversation, though I could tell Simon wanted the last word.

“I’m not, he’s my best fucking friend and I’m watching out for the both of you,” he said, following me around the room. “I don’t want to lose either of you over this.”

“You don’t need to watch out for me, I can do that myself. As for your little _princess_ , you might want to, since he’ll probably whore himself out to anybody with a pulse. I’m fuckin’ done.”

I didn’t even bother to finish buttoning my shirt before leaving my room, slamming the door behind me.

———

Perhaps going straight to Nick’s room right after Simon’s wake up call wasn’t the best idea, but I knew I had to end it as soon as possible. The whole thing was a mistake. I never should have given in to him.

Between the nightmare and Simon’s words marinating in my head, I felt so disgusted with myself. How could I let it get this far? Sleeping with my own band mate? I sighed as I hurriedly banged on his door, ready to finish this once and for all.

He answered, shirtless. He pulled me inside and softly closed the door.

“Surprised you’re awake,” I started, easing into conversation.

“We’ve got work to do, of course I’m awake.” He smirked, eyeing me with a glint of curiosity.

All I had to do was say the words I needed to say, and it would all be over.

Or so I thought. Would it be that simple? He looked at me. I looked at him. _Oh no..._

My breath caught in my lungs.

Nothing to lose, right?

“Hey,” Nick spoke, sudden and sensual. “What’s wrong?”

_ Come on, Andy. Just say it. It’s over. _

He tentatively set his hand on my shoulder. I resisted the urge to melt into his touch; I wanted to so much it hurt. It wouldn’t be as easy as I thought.

_ One last time. Just one more, then I’ll end it for good. Yeah, that’ll work. _

“Couldn’t sleep last night,” I replied, reaching out and pulling his body closer.

“Why not?”

“Kept thinkin’ about you.”

I watched Nick’s face, that look all I needed to assure that I would be getting something from him, for the last time.

He tilted his head, lashes fluttering as he looked from my eyes to my lips. “Kiss me, Andy.”

How could I resist?

I crushed our lips together, satisfaction flooding my veins. I devoured his mouth, he devoured mine. My hands traveled lower, the heat between us somehow hotter than before.

I kissed down his neck, waiting for a little gasp. Ah, there it was. I smiled against his skin.

“Shower with me.”

His request had me aching, aching for him, to touch him under the hot water. I needed him. I needed him bad.

We undressed, flinging clothes on the floor, making quite the mess for later. All we needed was the moment, later didn’t matter.

Steamy kisses grew desperate. I left a bruise on his collarbone that would be hard to explain, but easy to cover with makeup. He was always good at that sort of thing.

He succumbed to my touches, and I to his. I studied the water droplets sliding down his back as I rutted against him, a hand wrapped around to stroke him. I noticed how his back was littered with beauty marks. I memorized the curve of his spine and the feel of his skin against mine. I was committing his body to memory without even meaning to.

Soft moans were drowned out by the pattering of the water on the tile beneath us. I found it hard to hold back, and my orgasm hit me harder than I expected.

Nick followed, going weak and falling back further into my arms. I stood there, holding him, resting my head against his. He sighed happily. My heart fluttered.

My crisis from earlier remained, a complete mess inside my head. I heard Simon’s words again. _I don’t think it’s just sex to him._

What if it wasn’t? What if it wasn’t just sex to me?

I didn’t have the nerve, or the will, to stop.


End file.
